you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
