I'm so fucking centered right now
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
