He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
