barbara walters just said penis...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
