Rock
Scissors
Fuck
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
