Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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