Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize