It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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