What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
