When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
