Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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