I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I woke up under a house in Key West
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