Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
