Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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