you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
