The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
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