i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
we're so committed to being not committed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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