watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize