It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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