You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
