my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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