Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
