well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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