Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize