i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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