Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
