You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Still dying that you shit outside
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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