bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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