I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
