I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
