I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize