I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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