I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
