I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You pole danced in your parka.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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