The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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