all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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