Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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