I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
