went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
