So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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