i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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