I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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