and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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