the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
id be glad to
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I intend to get homeless drunk
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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