can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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