The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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