im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
