I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
