umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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