You smell like a Billy Joel song
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
