I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
