I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
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