is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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