How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
