I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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