the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
