The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
