On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
